Ask a Witch is StyleCaster’s advice column offering sage advice and practical magic for modern problems. Every Friday, our resident witch Roya Backlund will answer your most vulnerable conundrums through the lens of astrology, Tarot, and spirituality. Submit questions to askawitch@stylecaster.com, along with your birth information—date, time, and location—as well as birth information for other parties involved, if you have it. Hex what vexes you: Ask a Witch.
Dear Roya,
Why do I feel so uncomfortable with the idea of love? How do I stop sabotaging my romantic relationships?
I’ve always felt excluded from groups of girls. They always seem to be talking about boys, crushes, boyfriends, and failed situationships.
I remember being interrogated in middle school about who I liked—literally traumatizing. I think it’s a common thing to experience, so I’m not sure why it affected me in such a strong way. I don’t know why I couldn’t say the name of the boy I liked out loud or why I felt like dying when my classmates found out who it was. After that, I shut myself off completely and didn’t let myself develop crushes for YEARS. Even when I did, I hid them from everyone and forced myself to get over them quickly. I’d let myself be interested in someone for two weeks maximum, and then I’d consciously shut my feelings off. I’m always pushing love away and sabotaging relationships before they start. I don’t know why I do it—or how to stop.
I also feel anger toward men. I hate them. I’m ashamed to admit it because I’m always talking about how women and men are equal. Maybe I’m just trying to convince myself of that because deep down I think that women are better and I know that it’s wrong to think that way. I’m tired of being confused, and I’ve been confused for so long that I don’t know if my feelings are real or made up anymore.
I want to feel love and not be ashamed of it. I want to marry a man I love someday, but I’m uncomfortable with myself and my emotions. Could you give me advice on how to accept my feelings? How do I invite love into my life? Is there a chance for me to find a partner and have a fulfilling relationship?
Sincerely,The Unloving
Dear Unloving,
Everyone says there’s a fine line between love and hate, with good reason. Your desire for passion and a deep connection sits right next to the inverse of that emotion, because if our feelings are left unrequited, they don’t just go away—they turn into something much darker, as though they have been left outside to rot. Instead of risking an unrequited romance, it’s easier to keep emotional investment at bay before it has a chance to hurt you. Instead of allowing your romantic feelings to develop, you purposefully form a resentment that protects you from ever having to know what rejection feels like.
You were also quick to profess that you hate men, but you also feel guilty for feeling that way. Is this hatred based on direct interactions you’ve had with men that prevent you from being open to a connection with them? I think it’s fair to feel that way as a woman, considering the patriarchal influences that negatively affect our lives. But your hatred of men could also be another way of protecting yourself from risking rejection.
In astrology, there’s always a yin and yang in everything (or rather, a masculine and a feminine). Both energies are present in all of us, and while masculine energy is direct, active, and apt for taking charge, feminine energy is receptive, sensitive, and open. However, what is often considered masculine in our society isn’t what healthy masculinity looks like. Leaning on too much of one end of the spectrum can create an imbalance, so ask yourself whether the men you hate are truly embodying their divine masculine. Men who truly embody their divine masculine are protectors, providers, and givers in every sense of the word. Perhaps the men you’ve encountered have not yet grown into this aspect of their masculinity, as many men rely on women for care and validation. Rather than judging all men with the same broad strokes, try remembering what makes masculinity beautiful, important, and necessary. When you remember what true divine masculinity looks like, it’ll be much easier to recognize it.
For someone who has a hard time accepting and embracing love, your birth chart shows that you are an incredibly passionate individual. In fact, you may even be a hopeless romantic at heart. However, because you’re only 17 years old, you haven’t even fully activated the promise of your birth chart, as that usually happens after your Saturn return, which takes place around age 29.
You were born with a rising sign in Cancer, which makes you extremely sensitive and wired for true connection. You don’t want something temporary and superficial—you want something real. Although Cancers are emotional and sentimental water signs, they can come across as cold and distant at first. Let’s remember that your rising sign dictates how others perceive you and how you navigate the world. Cancer is a zodiac sign that is ruled by the crab, which is an animal that is protected by its hard outer shell. The crab is also known for moving sideways rather than straightforward, making you someone who’s not known for expressing yourself easily. (Learn more about your rising sign.)
Cancer risings are not typically known for enjoying one-night stands or bouncing from one shallow fling to another. They have “all or nothing” energy. Your fifth house of love and pleasure is ruled by Scorpio, a zodiac sign of deep intensity and emotional investment. Scorpio is all about commitment, and your deep well of sensitivity is not easily accessed by just anyone. They have to be really special in order to make you wear your heart on your sleeve. And because Cancer is ruled by the moon, that makes your moon in Scorpio in the romantic fifth house your chart ruler. The fact that you’ve always wanted to be loved is central to your personality. In fact, it’s a yearning so deep that you’ve had to protect it from judgment by putting walls around your heart. (Learn more about your moon sign.)
The fact that your desire for love can so easily turn into hate is also revealed in your birth chart. Your Scorpio moon also forms an exact square with your natal Mars in Aquarius in the eighth house of intimate exchanges and transformations. Mars is a combative planet that wants to assert its ego, and because it’s at odds with your sensitive moon, your love can easily become hatred if it feels threatened. It can literally “transform” from deep vulnerability into intense animosity. The moment you sense that your feelings may be rejected, you impulsively react with anger, as though they’re making a fool of you. But you may be reacting way before any feelings even have a chance to grow. It’s no wonder you were traumatized by your experience in middle school, because your natal Mercury—planet of communication—is also retrograding through your hypersensitive eighth house. This means that you’re extremely sensitive about giving too much information away, causing you to swallow your emotions, even though being straightforward about the way you feel could increase your odds of finding love. Your first instinct is to tuck your truth away, where it cannot be scrutinized, picked apart, or worse—rejected. (Learn more about your Mars sign.)
That said, you feel a deep urgency to love and be loved in return. For someone who keeps pushing love away, your birth chart is actually geared toward love. You were born with a Grand Fire Trine that includes your Venus in Aries, your Jupiter in Sagittarius, and your Saturn in Leo. This means you’ve got a lot of energy coursing through your heart—energy that will lead you to a love that is exciting, but also stable and primed for long-term growth. Although fire is the element of passion, intensity, and creativity, let’s also remember that fire burns. It scorches everything in its path and leaves ash in its wake. And because you’re so young, that fire has likely left you feeling burned one too many times for comfort. Your love is so strong that it tends to create chaos for you if it is not being “controlled.” But that’s only because you haven’t found someone worthy of sharing that fire with yet—someone who wants to be lit by your powerful flame. You’re still so young and you have so much time to find someone who shares your love of fire. (Learn more about your Venus sign.)
Because your Venus is in Aries—a zodiac sign that puts love planet Venus in a “detrimental” position—your feelings tend to come on hard, fast, and strong. But if something goes wrong, you know how to bury those emotions deep within, where you can get over it much faster. However, these feelings don’t just disappear. Instead, they turn sour inside your heart, as your Venus also forms an exact square to your Cancer rising. This means you come across as incredibly charming and lovable to others, but you may also deal with debilitating self-esteem issues. Where others see a beautiful individual, you tend to pick yourself apart until all your best attributes look like flaws. The part of you that yearns for love is one of the best things about you. And yet, it’s the part of you that you feel most ashamed of.
Luckily, the issues you’ve been experiencing in your love life don’t have to last a lifetime. There’s a reason you chose to share your secrets with me and ask for advice. Right now, the North Node of Destiny is moving through Aries, encouraging boldness, directness, and confidence. And as the North Node joins forces with your natal Venus placement, it will bring chance encounters with lovers, friends, and possibly even soulmates. In fact, there’s a total solar eclipse in Aries coming up on April 8, 2024, landing just one degree away from your natal Venus. There’s a good chance this eclipse could lead to a major change in the way you experience love and pleasure. And with the presence of Chiron—the wounded healer—in the mix, you can rest assured that whatever changes take place will heal your heart on a spiritual level. Right now, the Universe is encouraging you to put yourself out there, rather than allowing your fear of rejection to hold you back from experiencing love at all. There’s truth to the saying: “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” (Learn more about how to prepare for a solar eclipse.)
Give yourself permission to experience love, even if it means falling flat on your face. You were born to have many experiences—to live a life full of openness and spontaneity. Your natal sun is in Pisces, the zodiac sign of open-hearted spirituality and imagination. In your birth chart, your sun sign forms an exact conjunction with your North Node of Destiny in the ninth house of travel, wisdom, and higher education. This essentially means you were meant to try everything the world has to offer, especially when it comes to love. It also means that destiny will always have a way of finding you and you won’t have to do a lot of work to get to where you’re meant to be. With each love story, you’ll move one step closer to your ultimate destiny. Not everyone is lucky enough to born with this exciting alignment—an alignment that attracts new experiences like a magnet and encourages you to say “yes” to opportunities that come your way. (Learn more about your North Node of Destiny.)
Your biggest lesson in this life will be about learning how to live in the present moment and take a chance on something, because the beauty—and pain—of experiencing something is where you’ll find the magic of life. Instead of picking your love apart, allow it to exist as it is. Allow your heart to be full, passionate, and imperfect—the way it was always designed to be. Let yourself fall in love over and over again. Let yourself fall out of love over and over again. It’s one of the most important aspects of your life story. In fact, learning how to let go and fall in love may be the biggest reason you’re here.
Dreamily,Roya
About Roya
Roya Backlund is StyleCaster’s Senior Lifestyle & Astrology Editor and a professional witch. Born in Los Angeles on May 26—the same day as Stevie Nicks—she’s been obsessed with the zodiac since she discovered she was a Gemini as a child. Her interest in mysteries and the occult began in the metaphysical section at her local Borders. If you’re a fan of astrology, spirituality, and witchcraft, you’ve probably read her horoscopes and lifestyle articles, which have appeared elsewhere in Elite Daily, PopSugar, Astrology.com, and more. Whether you want to delve deeper into your birth chart or interpret signs from your spirit guides, Roya’s got you covered.
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