Complex mother-daughter relationships are at the heart of Gilmore Girls. In its 23 years, there has always been controversy about the volatility of Emily and Lorelai’s. Lorelai intentionally keeps her parents out of her life; she left home at age 16 and was pregnant with her daughter, Rory. Lorelai’s parents, Richard and Emily, decided the best way to deal with the pregnancy was for their daughter to marry the baby’s father, Christopher. This is the catalyst for driving their daughter away.
Some fans believe Lorelai is selfish and thoughtless for running away from home as soon as she had a baby of her own, leaving Emily bewildered as to why her daughter has abandoned her. I watched Gilmore Girls when I was in my early 20s and Lorelai’s actions resonated with me a lot. I am an only child—like Lorelai—and just like Emily, my mother has always micro-managed my life.
When I started discussing with my friends how similar Emily is to my mother, and how our relationship echoes that of Emily and Lorelai’s, friends who have narcissistic parents started educating me about what a narcissistic parent looks like. The more I started to learn, the more convinced I became that Emily is the real problem. She is a narcissist. I know this because my mother is, too.
In season two, Emily learns her daughter is getting married when one of Lorelai’s friends calls her to confirm her availability for the wedding shower. Emily bemoans to Richard, “Our daughter is getting married. She’s getting married and she didn’t tell us.”
The more I started to learn, the more convinced I became that Emily is the real problem. She is a narcissist. I know this because my mother is, too.
Yet, while Lorelai and Rory’s characters have been reduced to “demon spawns” countless times over the internet, recently I’ve seen more Reddit threads describing Emily as a “textbook abusive narcissist”, placing the blame for their failing relationship firmly on her shoulders. As someone who grew up with a mother with extreme narcissistic tendencies myself, I completely agree. Growing up, my mother controlled every aspect of my life and tried to manipulate me when things didn’t go her way.
Lorelai’s defense is to always keep her parents at arm’s length, which is why she makes sure to divulge no information to her parents. In response, Emily throws a tantrum about why Lorelai never shares any information with her and why she had to find out about Lorelai’s wedding from her daughter’s best friend.
This could easily be deemed cruel and thoughtless behavior by Lorelai, but I know better than some that it’s an impossible situation to win. When Lorelai replies, “I don’t know how to tell you things, Mom. When something good happens to me, I’m just afraid you’re gonna make me feel bad about it. And when something bad happens to me, I’m always afraid you’ll say, ‘I told you so’.”
In one episode, Emily manipulates Lorelai into going on a spa weekend with her. But Emily continuously berates her daughter and when they have a huge argument, Emily gets upset about why she and Lorelai can’t have the same relationship that Lorelai and Rory have.
Similarly, my mother constantly moans about why I don’t tell her anything about my life. I keep my dating life private and every time she sees me, she asks me if I’m dating someone. I lie and tell her no, regardless of the truth. She laments, as Emily does: Why don’t we have the relationship that other mothers have with their daughters?
At one point, Rory asks Lorelai if she has ever just tried talking to Emily, to which Lorelai replies, “I have tried. I have tried my whole life. But my mother and I, we speak a different language. I talk, I think I’m being clear, and all she hears is, ‘Blah blah blah Ginger’.” Those words sum up my entire relationship with my mother, but it makes me feel less alone when I watch it on the show.
Gilmore Girls is available to stream on Netflix.
